i just had a few chips.
and wanted to binge so bad.
still do want to.
but i keep grabbing my collar bones and thinking "wow, i can't feel them as well as i could a few months ago you fat bitch."
and i hate the rolls of fat on my stomach.
and my ugly fucking arms.
i hate it all.

ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
i hate my body.

i think i'm just going to run away.
from everything.
and everyone.
start fresh.
anew.
no ed. no depression. no heartache.

just things to look forward to.

fuck you and your antics.

____________________________


i need to get over you. asap.

____________________________


i don't want to leave the people here that have so amazingly impacted my life for the past 4 years.
i don't know what i am going to do without them in my life every single day.
more or less, i'm devastated.
you've made me so happy.

_______________________________________________________________________________


i need australia.
i need me time.
i need a break.
i just need it.

___________________________

so many thoughts.
so many things going on in my life right now.
friends and family, wise.
remember that one time we were inseparable.
that our love could withstand anything.
me too.
i wish we still had that.
but i guess everyone's right, change is inevitable.
i guess i just can't help be upset about it.

but on the bright side.
i don't know what i would do without clwalko.
<3.

australia soon. <3.



p.s. rehab misses you. about as much as our family wishes you were you still there...

i'm struggling in my own inadequacies.







on the day.
what a sky blue.

move on.
start over.
past is the past.
future is the future.
friends change.
people change.
you love who you love.
and hate who you hate.
forgive what you wish. 
you will always be my best friend. 
never forget. 
i miss you.
i gave you my heart, you gave her yours.
i want to stop.
i don't want to stop. 
while i feel so different, i feel so relieved.
come home. 
i truly, in my heart, hate you and the way you make me feel.
i fear the return.
rehab needs you.
you need rehab.
you girls are my support.
i hope i'm yours.
keep on, keepin on.
because this too will pass.

it doesn't matter.

i'm just happiest when i'm with you.

i hope you are too. <3.

i just wish when someone asks me how i'm doing,

i wouldn't just reply with "ok" or "alright."

that i could just be honest.

and not feel bad about it.

or feel like debbie fucking downer.

and have the other person say that it's ok.

or not say anything at all.

and just be there for me to cry on their shoulder.

i'm going to miss you guys.

i guess i just saw things going differently.

 i think i might have to take an unwanted hiatus.

i need a vacation.

alone.

where i can drink on the beach.

lay in the sun.

listen to music.


and just be on vacation.

legality is a crazy thing.


through all my up's and down's...





i will always have the best friends a girl could ask for.




i love you guys more than you will ever know.




so why would care
to get out of this place
you and me and all our friends
such a happy human race. 

<3.

eh. i dunno.



we did get lots of snow and ice though.